Pregnancy After Loss and a Rainbow Baby
Happy Mother’s Day to all the mamas out there with babies earth side, inside, on God’s side, and also to all those who are currently TTC (trying to conceive). Happy Mother’s Day to my wife, our rock, who took our sweet little boy to run errands so I could have some “me time” and write this blog.
For all of you just joining in on this story of how two women make a baby, and for those of you who have been with us the whole time, I wanted to share a little bit about our latest announcement (or “declaration”, if you’re a fan of The Office) of pregnancy.
When you make a baby the way we do, it’s hard to fly under the radar—and granted, it isn’t easy for us to keep secrets when exciting things are happening. At work, people know when I’m out for appointments. We of course want our families along with us on the journey. And once insemination takes place, people know that I can take a test in two weeks. And they ask—in exactly two weeks.
We were so excited to share every step of the way with our first pregnancy. When that pregnancy turned into a loss, we were devastated. And having to share that part with everyone was really painful. Not only did I feel like my body let me down, and that I let my baby down, now I felt like I had let everyone else around us down as well.
When we got pregnant a second time, we were a little more cautious. We still shared with close friends and family. The anxiety over what could or might go wrong—again—was heavy. We were blessed with a healthy baby boy, and our world changed forever <3
This time around, we wanted to be able to surprise people—especially our families—with the news of our pregnancy. So now that the word is out, here is how it went.
We decided to start trying in winter. It was a vague enough time frame that we could tell people without being too specific (winter in Wisconsin, as you know, lasts most of the year!) We contacted the doctor on day 1 of my January cycle (CD 1). I went for bloodwork on CD three. Days 5-9 I took Letrozole, to stimulate follicle growth. On CD 11 we went for a follicle scan. This is performed to make sure there are follicles mature enough to release an egg when you trigger their release. I had a few measurable follicles, but even the biggest one wasn’t yet in the magical range. At a growth rate of 1-2mm a day, our NP decided to rescan in 2 days to give us a better idea of the rest of the timeline. She estimated that we would be inseminating the following Monday.
In the meantime, she recommended doing ovulation tests. When we were trying for Everett, we were told that ovulation tests are helpful because we want to control the egg release by using the trigger injection to tell my body to release the egg so insemination can be perfectly timed. As luck would have it, the morning of our scan, a light pink line showed up—my body was getting ready to ovulate on its own. I sent a message right away, to which I got a surprising response: Forget the scan—we are inseminating today! No trigger needed.
My favorite part of the appointment that day was being told I had a “textbook cervix”. This followed the question: “Did you have a c-section with your son?” We all had a good laugh. I then joked that I needed to look for opportunities to be a cervix model for textbooks before the next baby came along. I mean, come on—there’s gotta be money in that! Anyhow, after the turkey basting part of the afternoon was over, I went home and did the Phoebe thing (If you’re a Friends fan, you know!)
Anyhow, the chance of getting pregnant—whether you’re doing IUI or bumping uglies old fashioned style—is small: 20-25%. With 4 specimens of sperm chilling in a freezer (the amount it took to get Everett) we were fully prepared for this to not work the first time. Imagine our surprise when 13 days later:
We know how very very lucky we are.
Now here’s the kind of cool thing about all this. Our insemination date (Feb 4) and due date (Oct 29) match up exactly with the pregnancy we lost. Considering all the variables, this is kind of amazing. It feels kind of like a do over. A second chance.
But I will say this: nothing takes away what that first pregnancy has left behind. How it has changed me, changed us. I wonder about what pregnancy might be like if it were not overshadowed by loss. Would I still be holding my breath
waiting to see the baby
waiting to hear the heartbeat
waiting for the 20 week scan
waiting to feel baby move
waiting for kicks Chelsey can feel
waiting for kick counts
waiting for baby to be safe in my arms?
Maybe. In talking with other women, ones who’s healthy pregnancy hadn’t been marred by loss or infertility, they were still holding their breath.
We heard the heartbeat earlier than with Everett—13w6d. And that calmed my anxiety immensely. It’s a long wait until the next appointment—the anatomy scan at 20w2d. We have the doppler at home so we can check on those little heartbeats any time. Multiple providers have assured us that we can come in anytime to check on babe.
Pregnancy is never completely worry free, even in the healthiest of them. I can keep baby safe from a lot of things on the outside, but this I have no control over. I mean, I’m starting to understand that this is what motherhood is—you can’t protect them all of the time from all of the things. It is true of every age and every stage, and only gets harder as they get older.
As with each pregnancy, I need to remind myself that I am doing everything in my power to take care of my babies. There are a lot of things I can’t control, but I also can’t worry about them. Or I can try not to, at least.
15 weeks and counting <3
