Disappointed, but not Defeated
There's a song that came to me today, something I haven't heard in quite some time, but one I really loved back in the day.
Okay, shut up--I'm feeling pretty old lately, or at least wise, so yes, I get to say things like "back in the day".
Anyway, the song is Jo Dee Messina's Bring on the Rain. It's been a rough go, lately, but these lyrics hit me this evening:
Tomorrow's another day
And I'm thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain
We are sad. Angry. Confused. Disappointed. But we are not defeated.
If you haven't ever heard it, or haven't heard it in a while, I highly recommend giving it a listen.
Surgery went well. The staff at West Allis day surg. is pretty incredible. I felt comforted and cared for by everyone I encountered. Also, my surgeon was a Gryffindor sooooo obviously it was going to be great. It was my best ever experience coming out of anesthesia. And I got orange sherbet when I got back to my room. My one complaint would be that I asked for an ocean view room, but got a parking lot instead. Oh well, win some lose some!
I was home by noon. No pain, little bleeding. Spent the next few days resting.
My doc said she was working the weekend and would call if the results came in. Spoiler alert: they did not. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Middle of my PD day on Monday...timing is everything.
It was, as we feared, a molar pregnancy. Essentially, something goes wrong during fertilization. The cells that normally develop into the placenta (trophoblasts) grow abnormally. There are two types of molar pregnancies: partial and complete. Similar but different. I'm not actually sure which type mine was. I'll ask, but at this point, it doesn't matter.
Here's what it means for us now. I will go for weekly blood work, so my doctor can track my HCG (the human growth hormone) until it goes down to zero. The time this takes varies, but it's not measured in hours or days. She needs to see three weeks in a row of a negative (0) reading. At that point, we move to monthly blood work. We need to then have 3-6 months of negative readings, depending on which protocol we choose to go with.
Fuck.
So what does this mean? More waiting. It's frustrating. We did everything we could. And hey, it even worked the second time. I got pregnant. But instead of a baby, I got a surgery that ended the pregnancy that wasn't going anywhere in the first place. And the stupid part about that is that now I feel empty. Empty. I realize I wasn't growing a baby, but they took whatever it was I had, and now I'm empty. And that's maybe the saddest thing you'll read here today. Because here's what else it means.
In the next 6+ months, I'm going to focus on me. Getting and staying healthy. Losing some weight. I'm going to train for another marathon. Chels and I will work our butts off at our second (and third) jobs and get as financially ready as we can. We will make more memories just the two of us. And after it's all said and done, we will try again. The only way to go from here is forward.
So today was week one of blood work. This number will serve as our base, and maybe give us a better idea of a timeline. The bummer part is that, recently, they've had trouble finding good veins. It's frustrating--I used to donate blood for goodness sake! I'm going to try and stay extra hydrated, but other tips and tricks are appreciated...I'm not down for several weeks of this. But I guess there's a lot I didn't sign up for, here.
I am told I am strong, a warrior. For sharing about this terrible thing. The struggle. For having such a positive outlook. But my secret is all the incredible people I have standing behind me. The love and support we have gotten throughout this whole ordeal has been remarkable. Thank you, everyone 💗
Marathon training won't officially start for a few months...but no worries, the sweaty runner pictures will make their return to the blog in due time 🙂
